If I am not moving, I am uncomfortable.
And everything is everything!
So, what this really comes down to is that I am preparing for my next movement or I am moving. However big or small that may be. A day trip to the mountains or a move across the world.
Currently I am still, I am planning, and waiting. My sister said to me that good things come to those who hustle while they wait. I am still trying to figure out what the hell that actually means so if you can shed any light on that please do!
In this phase of the movement I have receded from much social contact. I am determining the placement of my energy carefully. Noting the pains and joys that will occur on the way and taking them into consideration as I extend myself out there into the world. Selfish in some ways. but, how do you connect fully if you know you will be leaving soon. Or maybe you connect fully because you know you will be leaving soon. I am still exploring all of this.
It started with a romantic idea to move across the world. And the disconnection (we will call it that for now, until I have a better word) began with the physical stuff. Sell a mountain bike, a flute, snowboarding gear, furniture, clothes, jewelry, etc. AND no buying new stuff. Great checklist checked.
Then came the thought of leaving my family and friends.... suddenly it became far more powerful of a decision. I am about to exit this life I know and step into new territory and begin that with one person...
Who the fuck am I going to drink wine and smoke cigarettes with when I am sitting on my front porch feeling fiesty??????
I love the my friends, and I love my family. And to think about the inside jokes and the smart ass remarks, and the tears, and the disagreements not being a part of my daily community is unreal..... biut soon to be real and soon to evolve with a new set of friends.
What I love about wanderlust is that you can constantly re-create yourself with each new person you meet. But what I love about community is the people that know you so well that they do not even have to hear from you to know what is going on in your life. Bittersweet.
So, how do I stay present with those I love, and I mean fully present up until the day I leave? I have no idea.
What I do know is that we could do this everyday in our lives, we could connect as deeply as possible and absorb ourselves in the world that we live in because as cliche as it may sound.... anyone can disappear at any time.
Split between two worlds... to move when it is time and to settle where I am.
The hustle while I wait....
Beautiful, Adriane. I've been here...EXACTLY where you are right now. Just before moving to Fort Collins I had been in Santa Cruz for 10 years. Very happy, mind you! And with an outstanding community of friends (including those I now consider "family", the ones that can never be replaced but I feel so fortunate to have spent all that time with them). Of course I was scared to leave. Excitement, anticipation, and doubt swirled in my head until the day I left. How could ANY community possibly be so supportive, so perfect for me? WHY was I leaving again? Just on a hunch and a dream?
ReplyDeleteWell, as it turns out, Fort Collins has changed my life in a very powerful way. But I would have never had the chance to find out if I hadn't left what was comfortable. And those amazing friends? Well, we're still amazing friends. It's not the "same", but it's just as strong. And I think moving on from such a supportive community is the easiest way to leave. It's because of that support that you feel empowered and strong enough to do it! That's what I discovered anyway. Enjoy this time of transition, beautiful woman. And if you just want to hang out over a glass of wine on the porch sometime, I'd love that ;)