Something about the space

There is something about having the space in your life to move as you need to that settles the soul.  One year ago I felt restricted, slightly tied down, anxious for the next adventure, and unsure about friendships and relationships in my life.  And now at the end of the year I really feel like I took 2012, kicked its ass into submission and started owning my life.

In leaving Colorado, the home that I have known for 29 years and moving across the world with a man I love in a way that cannot be described

I seem to have answered the questions of uncertainty.  However, to be honest that was not my intention.  You see, regardless of the fact that I have spent my years in my hometown, I am a runner.  When challenged I usually bail ship.

This commitment to leave probably could not have been done with out the unbelievable support of so many people.  And now in the last remaining hours of 2012 I can reflect on the changes and know that I am going into a new year pretty excited.
All the question of friendship that I had prior to my departure have been clearly answered.  Bonds have grown stronger, even those I never expected to even grow.
My relationship with brother has become awesome.
I really appreciate the "parenting" part of my parents now.
I have my sisters, who are dear friends that I speak with regularly.
I have acquired a sister that is like family, she kinda took me by surprise and we have had our moments together but now being so far apart I really delight in the moments I get to share with her.  She is my boyfriends brothers girlfriend and she is spectacular.
I have begun to feel like family to Jeremie's family and appreciate that sense of support.
In addition my family has never been so supportive of my relationship.  All things that were probably there before but really show up when you can no longer take the small things for granted.
When I left Colorado I was ready to take a break from yoga and teaching and step away.  I was tired of the lululemon, the "rules" of yoga, the flowy talk, the injuries, the blame, so on and so forth.  But by leaving I realized that I believe in yoga!

It all seems so much more defined for me, I am not struggling with inspiration or connection in any of these areas.  My heart feels open, to sound quite cliche, but WTF it really does.  And I also recognize that according to murphy's law now that I have written this something is bound to humble me.  Look forward to that post!!!  :)  

I am going in to this next year with a passion to create the person I want to be, with clarity on who I love, what I love, and why I love.  It's all about love!  And, now recognizing I sound like a hippy it is probably time to bring this message to a close.  I hope you all have an incredible new year!  It is not the time change or the new year that matters but the choices that we make to become our best self.

PS.  I really do believe that love is what it takes, no matter how hippy it sounds.

When traveling to foreign land....

I have recently come home from an afternoon at the beach followed by my usual trip to the Thursday market for corn, pineapple, chicken on a stick, and watermelon.  Life is rough here, you can pity my life later, first enjoy this post.

While standing in line with pineapple in hand and watermelon a short distance away from my hungry paw I am patiently waiting to pay when a lovely(?) woman pushes her way in front of me and grabs a pineapple.  I stare in disbelief and slight amusement, as I often do when this situation happens.  I laugh and think "how are you so oblivious?".  But instead of pushing my way through I figure I will see what other antics this woman has in store.  This proved to be a fruitful decision.  No pun intended.

She grabs her pineapple and shoves it at the guy taking money, all while he is clearly involved with another customer.  He gives a glance and smile, she pushes the fruit closer to him and yells, in Russian.  By her gestures and she has told him she "Wants the freaking pineapple now!  And cut it for me would you?"

He calmly finishes up what he is doing and makes a gesture to her about her wanting the stem broken off and she nods.  So he does as indicated puts it in about 3 plastic bags because that is how they roll here in Thailand and hands it back to her.

She then raises her voice yet again and demands more.....  then points at the woman sitting a few feet away carving away at pineapples in this beautiful spiral.  Seriously, it is gorgeous the way that they cut pineapple here, making it perfectly edible.  Anyways.  The woman carving the pineapple is clearly belonging to another sort of business and her pineapples are different.

Naturally the kind Thai guy indicates not the same, by saying, on English "not the same", and then hands her her bag again.

She proceeds by raising her voice another 3 octaves and spewing out even more Russian, which is clearly not  language often used by Thai's and then stands there and stares at him.  Of course I have a grin on my face as I watch her antics in a foreign country.  I then pass him my fruit and tell him I would also like a watermelon, in Thai.  He laughs at my smile and we share a small moment of enjoyment of this woman's distress over her un-cut pineapple.

This obviously makes her more upset as she begins to yell and demand more, not just to the guy but now to the woman cutting the gorgeous pineapples.  Asking, in English, how much it costs to have that done...... 45 baht the woman answers in English, and the pineapple is 30 baht.  At least we have reached a common language here, though broken, communication is happening!.

I can no longer control myself and I laugh hard, which only causes the fruit guy to laugh and smile and then the woman cutting the pineapple to chuckle.  Not a wise move because now the Russian woman is yelling in Russian, and I think she is saying "I want the pineapple and I want it cut so get it for me now".  The more she yells the harder we all laugh.  And even though I have what I want I cannot simply walk away from this amusement.

To top off the whole scenario, while they (her friends have now joined her at the fruit stand), stand there and stare at the pineapple being delicately and lovingly carved they decide to try some random packaged fruit.  Being that I have eaten this "random" fruit before I recognize it as durian, which quite honestly tastes pretty decent if you can get past the smell, of gym socks, that it is well-known for. They tear into it and before they can realize the smell they shove it in their faces, and low and behold it is time for me to walk away because once in their mouth the smell hits them and they begin to pale slightly in shock, then grab their pineapple and walk off briskly.

Still laughing as I walk away we share another moment of enjoyment in the yelling and impossibility of foreigners.

So, I write this post because I think when you travel to any country you should learn a few words of the language rather than just assuming they will speak your native tongue.  Words like "how much", "please", "thank you", "yes", and "no" will suffice.  Gestures are great and do wonders but words will at least let people know you acknowledge you are no longer in YOUR country and you understand that things might not go your way.  In addition, understanding does not come from raising your voice or speaking slower.  It comes from compromise on both parties behalf.

Language is important and equally important is an understanding of the cultural norms wherever you are traveling.  So buy a lonely planet and read it when you travel, or use the wonderful invention of internet to find out such things like when you yell in Thailand you will either be ignored or laughed at.

PS: please do not come to Thailand and strut your beautiful body around half or fully naked on the beach, most Thais swim with their clothes on and the body is exposed with discretion.

Love!

WHO are you?

Long walks on the beach have proved healing these days and offered my wandering mind with some deeper reflections.

Here is my calculation:  365 days of planning and saving and working and pulling together money to pack up all my things and move.  365 days.  365 days.  365 days.  Then 2 months living out of backpacks and bags in search of our new "home".  Then nearly 2 months doing the settle in thing and getting a place to live and transportation and eating food and swimming in the ocean, (rough life I know).

And almost 4 months later BAM!!!!!!  No sleep, a bit anxious, feeling a little frustrated over silly things.  And I start planning, even daydreaming about what going "home" is to look like.  Start planning to work to save to travel to pack up to blah blah blah.......

Now, from my understanding of habits it takes 28 straight days of very conscious living to break a habit and a very short period of time to create that habit.  From this understanding I have concluded that my habit and love of travel has caused me to miss a lot of moments in Phuket already.  Planning to go back Colorado for a visit consumed me almost as soon as we arrived.  I blame being homesick.  I also blame habit of the last year of planning to pack and leave and go somewhere else.  But those are just excuses.

Shit!  That whole idea of presence, you know that yoga thing I teach just caught up with me and smacked me around a bit.  It is always good to be humbled right.

Rewind back to the beach and the walks.  All of the above commentary came after the real-realization.  Which is as follows.  I simply cannot remember the last time I asked myself WHO I want to be in a year, I only remember the years ticking by with the WHERE do I want to be in a year, this usually regarding my work life and my travels / vacations.

Maybe I figured I was so sturdy in myself that I need not consider this.  I think, though, that if you are solid in yourself then you sleep good, your temper is controlled and you take the time to enjoy the moments in your life.  At least this is how I will gauge my self knowledge in the future.

So, who do I want to be?  The answers came right away, I just needed the right questions.  And in those answers was the space needed to commit to a new life and know that at this moment I am not saving, working or planning on any major moves or trips.  I am working instead on building a life here, whether it be for a year or 40.

In retrospect it seemed so simple, and in the moment I felt like I almost lost my breath when the answer came to me.  Where never really matters.  But, WHO, well that makes the difference.  If you don't know who you are then how can you identify with the world around you?

The Joys of Wandering

 Human beings are amazing!

Keepin' it legal

The official 90 day mark is upon us!  Actually we have passed it as of today!

Time for a visa run.  So while I await the beloved trip to Malaysia to submit my work permit info and apply for my non immigrant b visa I had to make a quick visa run to Myanmar / Burma.

This is actually quite an easy process these days.  I pay a company that actually has the words "Visa Run" in the name and they pretty much take care of it for me.  All I do is tag along for the ride and remember my passport.

So, this is how it goes.  5am pick up!  Shit that sucks, excuse my language but the last thing I want to do is climb out of bed to climb into a car for a 5 hour drive but mai bpen lai it is what has to be done.  They pick me up conveniently at the 7 Eleven near our house and drive me to the minibus.  I climb in with 6 strangers from France and America all on the same mission.  More time in this beautiful country!

To keep us from wasting away they hand us each a little plastic baggy with wasabi peas, water, and juice to tide us over on the drive; and away we go at a speedy 100 km / hour minimum.  I hope I make it to the border!

I am not sure if you have ever been in a minibus / minivan in many foreign countries, but they really haul ass.  I mean you are bouncing all over the place and there is a lack of seatbelts and an abundance of nausea.  You plug your head phones in, curl up with your pillow that you brought to snuggle with and hope to crash out.  As soon as you reach that beloved dream space they naturally slam on the breaks and barrel into another 7 - Eleven to where the driver disappears for a bit and you can relieve your bladder and grab another snack.  Cattle would probably make more noise then we do on one of this journey, we are as quiet as possible and just wander to where we are told to.

Completing the first leg and arriving at our destination an hour prior to expected we file out and file into the immigration building.  They already have our passports as the driver collected them when we first climbed into our seats.  Now they take them and stamp them and sign off on the date, leaving us with an exit stamp and an arrival card for when we come back.

I have to say it was beautiful there on the pier.  Something about the clouds was so definitive and outlined.  The water was an amazing green  and the sun blazed hot.  After walking the 300 yards down the pier we got our passports checked again, and filed onto the boat.  Met with air con and cozy seats we then begin our journey across the sea.

The destination was a hotel / spa / resort that is considered to be Myanmar.  Since we are now in a new country we have to do the immigration thing again, this time they keep our passports and shuffle us up the hill to eat lunch.  "Do not feed on animals" reads a few signs, I have to chuckle because they really mean "Don't feed the monkeys"... but I guess you get the point either way.

As we walk into this beautiful hotel that overlooks a glorious pool I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I am walking through the movie The Shining.  The hotel is immaculate and there is staff walking around here and there but not a single guest anywhere in sight.  Only 1 or 2 gamblers in the casino and the 2 -3 bus loads of Falangs that are doing the visa shuffle.  They feed us lunch, we go to duty free, I buy a bottle of scotch and we do the same thing in reverse order.

A day of moving around like cattle.  I am so glad it is over.  Thank goodness that I have 9 days before my next one!

Quite honestly if this is what it takes to stay in a place this beautiful and delightful to the senses then so be it.

Next stop Malaysia!

The Gauntlet

In retrospect I feel like I have ignored the most obvious things about moving to a new culture, and obviously enough, they are the things that are so simple back home.

In Bangkok I was often slightly shocked by the differences in culture between South east Asia and America. I never really wrapped my head around the difference in having friends here.  Like somehow everyone I met would speak English and we would fall into friend love immediately!  Call me stupid but over the course of one year of prep to move here I NEVER considered this aspect.

It got lonely sometimes, ya know?  I have an amazing dude and we pretty much rock the world together and worked it out fairly well.  But we also came from a big "family" back in Colorado and it was a drastic change to be forever together.

Now in Phuket with jobs where we go separate directions in the morning we are meeting different and new people from all over the world.  I have never realized how much I love to be social, thank god I have a job that deals with people and includes me talking!!!!  Hopefully y'all don't get sick of hearing my voice.  Either way the social aspect is beginning to work itself out quite well.

This leads me to the next thing I never considered in all my time day dreaming about when we settled in.... transportation!  In Bangkok it was easy.... walk, bus, sky train, ferry, express boat, METERED taxi, underground train, tuk tuk, motorbike taxi.....  the list goes on!  No wonder I never really thought about it, if Bangkok has this much transportation then everywhere in Thailand must be that way.  Ha, ignorance is glorious!

So we get to Phuket the first time ever and, I will spare you the lame details, but we find out that there are very few METERED taxis, the Tuk Tuks cost an astronomical amount, and the hills are so steep that getting a push pedal up them might just kill you.  There is a bus type thing called a songtheuw, (songtwo), but they leave from the beaches into Phuket town and then you switch to go to any other beach....  it takes an easy hour to get into town so you are looking at some serious travel time.

You are probably thinking "They should put in a more efficient bus system".  Well, they tried that years ago and the Tuk Tuk drivers blocked the road so they could not get through.   I have heard that they are looking at doing this again but who knows what will happen.  This is Thailand. Period.  Beautiful and with out reason.

When I found a job on one side of the island and that awesome dude of mine found a job on the other side of the island transportation became a problem.  He has rode a motorbike for many years and scooters are abundant here so it was a bit more obvious of a solution.  Me, sheltered little Colorado girl, I have driven a scooter once or twice long long ago.  The first week as I traveled Jeremie would ride me out there and back, again can I say he is awesome?!  Then we decided that I should probably learn to ride one myself....

One day at the beach I decided I would wonder off and take the scooter to 7-11 for a snack and get the feel for it.  I came within inches of a wreck.

Riding a scooter is not such a big deal, it is more the conditions in which you ride.... hence the name the gauntlet.  Between riding on the left side of the road and right turns becoming harder than back home you can throw in some torrential rain every now and then.  Then the surprise appearances of people riding on the wrong side of the road.  The stray dogs that meander all about and in general are quite good at looking both ways before stepping into the street but sometimes they get caught up in their heads and forget.  You just have to honk at them.  The best part is that once in a while an elephant will stroll out into the road, and even if they don't come in the road they are along side it and fascinating to watch eat and play.. "keep your eyes on the road for that dog, you can stop and watch the elephants later" I always have to say to myself.
Now we have the hills that make you feel like you are about to tip over backwards they are so steep and the 10,000 other motorbikes on the road.  (And sometimes they Thai's ride motorbikes 4 deep.  Another fascinating sight!)  This time of year there are so many butterflies out and about flying in your face as you ride...  It really is an incredible place.  And I figure that if I can learn to ride here then I will be a master wherever I go.  Needless to say you have to be on the ball all the time.

When it was time for me to ride a scooter Jeremie rented one and I followed him, for three days we did this until I felt comfortable with the trek myself.  Then one fine day I found myself waking up and climbing on my rented scooter and departing for work.  I made it safe and sound.  So now comes the need to purchase one of the contraptions and we are finding out automatics are a lot more expensive, relatively speaking.  I decided to rent one for a month while I look around for my perfect ride and low and behold the only one the woman had for me to rent was a manual.  And I thought that the hardest part was over just riding an automatic to work.  Wrong again.

I flashed back to years ago when my dad bought me a manual transmission honda, he dropped it off and gave me a few rides around the neighborhood and then took off with my automatic and I was left with the stick shift. I figured I would use this same tact to accomplish the scooter ride.  Had it dropped off and rode in circles and then rode to work.  You can add to the above list of distractions operating a pedal and down shifting... at least there is no clutch, and talk about being present!

Overcoming challenges and being surprised by the challenges that come up, all part of the journey!  I feel stronger every day that I am here.  Everyday my excitement and confidence grows about my life.  Most of the time I want to burst out of my skin with glorious sensations of accomplishments.  It is good, life is good.

The last thing I want to mention is the missing of holidays, it being Thanksgiving and all back home today.  Even though we were never big celebrators of holidays back home I miss the thought.

In celebration these are the things I am grateful for and the things that still sit in my heart:

The bike parades and thanksgivings that we celebrated with our "family" the past couple of years, how I will miss the "roll"  (I know there is another name for it and you ladies know what I am talking about)  Have me there in spirit!

The parents that I have, the mom that would have bought me new clothes to wear and had us celebrate a day later or earlier so that I could spend time with my friends too.

The day my dad dropped of the manual transmission honda, 10 years later that incident still gives me confidence to do new things.

My brother visit at Christmas.  I love you Ehren!

Whiskey!!!! All good things come with whiskey!

Having incredible friends and family that are easy to talk to.

Being able to ride my bike to work everyday for two years and never having to think about it beyond that.

This journey and the people on it with me, the supporters and the contributors, and the companion.

Learning to ride a manual transmission means that most likely one day I will be taking a motorcycle journey with a dear friend of mine, though she doesn't know it yet.

Life is beautiful and glorious everyone, so enjoy the small things, slow down your breath and if you are ever fed up with traffic think about Thailand!  It is pure chaos!

Nothing like a little Gypsy Punk

Just a little taste of some music I love.......  If you have an aversion to rowdy ridiculous and sometimes offensive music or if you would like to continue to think of me as just a calm yoga instructor please do not click on the link below...... You have been warned!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3SUPPeuRdU


Now to get down to business!  I feel like Phuket has just been waiting for us.  Things are falling into place easily, like a click click click snap "There you go, you now have your perfect life!"  Thank me by committing to it says the Universe.  Sometimes I say I will, other time I hesitate.

It looks like I am destined to be a Yoga Teacher...  Which is alright with me!  I like the idea, in fact I love the idea.

You see, 11 years ago I stepped into an un-used room popped in a yoga vhs (Yoga for weight loss ad yes VHS), and 45 minutes later walked out saying I want to do that FOREVER!!!!!!  And now 11 years later I have moved across the world to teach English as a second Language and instead found a job teaching yoga.  Not just any old yoga teaching job, the most incredible one for me.  Some things are destiny.

Things are difficult when you wander the world and explore different realms, but yoga is what makes it easy for me.  I know it, I hear it when I am teaching, I commit to it again and again.  It is my own personal cabana boy.  When I am feeling down it makes me feel sexy.  When I am over the rest of the world and I can listen to my breath and move it reminds me of personal responsibility.  When I want to be alone, it waits for me to come to it.  It gives me strength.

I recently figured out why I teach.....  seriously!  4 years into it and I finally know!  Because here is my philosophy on life, not just yoga:

If you can align your body in your poses you can align your ideals to your life.  If you can engage the muscles to support your poses then you can fully engage in your life and be supported.  If you can release the tension in your muscles and learn to let go then you can let go of all that which no longer serves you.  This list it goes on and on.  It breaks down to everything is everything.


This is also why I like to travel, because I love people, I am fascinated by the cultures, by the differences, by the tendencies..... and people show heir tendencies in everything that they do.  In their posture, their poses, their conversations, their eating habits, their humor...... and all of it is beautiful!

I am so thankful for my opportunities, I am so thankful for the people I know, and I am so thankful for this life.  And for some unknown reason I attribute a lot of it to when I stepped on my yoga mat and plugged in that first VHS.  It is all about awareness I think, and their are many ways to become aware of yourself.

A few pictures to entice the senses! Enjoy!

Creature Comforts

The truth is I love to travel.  The other truth is that I love to be comfortable in my surroundings.  The reality... these things do not always go so smoothly together.  So, where does the focus go?  

Perhaps it moves with fluidity in an ideal world.  But in my world it crashes on the shores abruptly.  In the past few days life has gently landed on my arm in the most delicate of ways and within an hour death has violently made itself present in my mind forever.  

I sit in paradise and yet something is unsettling.  The frustrations are high and easily sparked.  They seem to be magnified by the witnessing of contrasts such as life and death.  The small things, they seem in fact to be very big things.  

I think it can all be summed up into the word homesick.  Not in a way that makes me want to jump on a plane and return, but in a way that creates a deep appreciation for my home.

My family.  The people who received me when I walked in the door with out so much as a hello.  Offering up meals and space to sit and talk, and a sweet loving dog to pet and tease.  That safe haven that most homes are as a child, I think we all turn back into children when we around our parents and family.  

My community in Fort Collins.  The people that built me up and taught me everyday.  The people that I looked forward to interacting with and the faces that smiled back at me with assurance and support.

My friends across the world (Literally)!  The people whose doors I could walk through at any hour.  The people that hugged me because they wanted to and just for the sake of hugging.  The people who told me continually I was going to kick ass at everything I did.  Even if it was the most obscene idea possible, but true believers in who I was with getting things accomplished.  

There is none of that here in Thailand, at least not yet.  Instead there are faces that stare back at you blankly as you try to speak the language, social habits that are very different from the beer drinking bicycle gang costume wearing ruckus I am so used too.  Everything seems difficult some days.  It is hard to find a cup of coffee or directions somewhere.  Thais are relaxed and do not demand the answers and efficiency that my American brain seeks in every situation.  But, I think the most difficult is that all of my comforts are over 13 hours and 9,000 miles away.  making even communication and comfort very difficult.   

The beauty, like life with death and delicacy with violence, is that there is so much space here for all of these things.  Faces will not be strange always and the language will become more familiar.... or they will get used to my butchering of the language at least.  Friends and family will be here, there, and everywhere.  There will be open doors and dogs and food offerings everyday.  It will just take time to create those comforts again.

In the meantime I am getting a lot of practice being with myself and learning to communicate in new ways.  

I had a sudden understanding tonight that I just want some things to be easy once in a while.  

Well.... it is easy for me to get out of bed.  It is easy to get in the ocean.  It is easy to order food.  It is easy to find a 7-11 (they are 3 per street here).  For the life of me I can hardly believe I didn't see it before, focus on what is easy for you everyday!  The rest will either follow suit or drop away.

Have I not been teaching for years that our thoughts define our reality.... maybe I need to take my own class.  :)  Our life is defined by what we think it is, so at any moment we can change.

 

A free pass?

Excuses.  

If we are honest with ourselves these things are our protectors, they are what we use to keep within the boundaries of our comfort zone.

Reflecting on my yoga practice over the years I am faced continually with the decision to heal my injuries. And most often I instead find myself saying "I can't do that, I have a bad shoulder injury". It becomes more obvious each time I practice. To the point where as I even begin to move my tongue to use the excuse I already feel like a cop out.

As the intense awareness of my excuses increases, so does my desire to shut my mouth and do what I know I  need to to change it.

This month, October 2012, is about evaluation. Of what serves us and what does not serve us.

In these days of reflection I have thought about my injuries, my friends, my family and my jobs. In all of these areas I have made mistakes, and I have spent many more days than necessary trying to correct or compensate for those mistakes.

The truth is, I have shed more tears over a few of these mistakes and tried with everything that I have to make it better and somehow I still cry. In a time of reflection I see now I have done my best, my tears do not serve my heart moving forward but letting go of the thoughts and actions does. Sometimes this means releasing things you love to make space for new things. Or maybe it means getting uncomfortable for a while.

The point is that we decide who we are every moment and if we spend a moment unhappy that is our choice. And it can change in a flash. Imagine yourself exactly as you would like to be and you are already there. Through practice it becomes a more permanent state of mind and the release of our definitions seems to come easier.... Or so I think. Mind you, I'm just talking about what I see is ideal and logical at the same time.  

We face these things and we change these things not only for ourselves, but for the world. Thoughts are energy, energy is what we all share. If in doubt research this concept of quantum physics. And if you want to change the world change yourself.

Maybe if each of us decided to drop 1 excuse per day that energy would affect ten other people with the same choice. After all the power is in the people. Dear friends the power is in you and together we can step into whatever it is we want, released from the excuses like "that's just the way I am" and instead lifted to a higher vibration of responsibility saying "I choose to be this way" and when necessary will shift again.....

Definition by ink and paper

Knowledge is power. Wouldn't you say so?  With knowledge we have the ability to critically think about what action/reaction is best in the situations we encounter.  We gain this knowledge through the years of our life.  In social occasions we learn to speak with others.  In classrooms we learn about history and potential.  In the world we learn about experience and "reality".

You see, I have made choices in life not to attend college. My knowledge about college is that why would I start if I wasn't going to go all the way through to a PhD.  And I did not want a 12 year commitment to do what I love.  I also did not want the potential $40k + debt that accompanies this commitment.  So, I found a way to teach with out these pieces of paper.  I found something to teach that has had a direct effect on who I am today.  I have studied thoroughly the mind and the body and explore more of this knowledge everyday, I love yoga and I love exercising the mind.

In the society that I am in now, this is not enough.  Passion does not say that you are smart or an avid student.  A degree does though, a degree says you are a higher class, that you have more to offer.  I have heard rumors as we finish up our TESOL course that my options will most likely be minimal for employment because of my "lacking" education, or that others with a degree should/will earn more money than me because they have a BA.  

I have over 4 years teaching experience.  For those 4 years I have been explaining the body in depth to people who know a lot about it or have zero knowledge of it and its abilities.  Communicating over 1,000 hours in front of a class on how to safely achieve a goal, guiding them and creating connection and trust, building programs and plans, standing by people as they accomplished these goals and being an assistant in their accomplishment.

In Thai culture I hear that experience may not be enough, or it may, depending on the context of what they want in their school.  All for because I do not have a BA, which if it really came down to it I could go buy on Khao San road in Bangkok.  So, how important is it really?

All this rambling leads to a reminder that we often judge a book by it's cover.  With tendencies to define a person by what visible accomplishments they have.  Devastatingly, we forget they have something better than a piece of paper that states their greatness... they have experience and knowledge.  Whether we choose to study in a school or on the street, no one choice trumps the other.  After all it is about using the knowledge and skills we have?

Chances are, I will land a great job because I have teaching experience and experience with kids.  But I get the feeling that the BA will hover over my head for as long as we are here, and because I am stubborn about proving a point I will most likely choose not to follow this path of organized learning and adjust my life accordingly.  Being in that position of street experience I would ask of you, the readers, to consider the impact of your personal regulations on education.

A Train Ride to Hua Hin

Pronounced "wa hin", just in case it matters.

7 days in Bangkok today and we are headed out of town for a vacation, (a vacation from a vacation perhaps).

I am overwhelmed with where to begin as I sit inside the resin with wind blowing my face..... How cliche it all is. Is it that we have been taught these are the moments of reflection or do the elements bring out the reflections?

We moved into our new home right before we hopped a fairy to catch a taxi to get on a train. It's a great place with a couple (American man and Thai woman). We are on the 3rd floor with a big room. The bathroom resides on the 1st floor. Our room has a balcony and big "windows", a bed, a desk, a chair, and a fan. We have nothing to buy except toilet paper a local cell phone two umbrellas and a bandana (it's sweaty here).

It only took us 2 days to find this place, one encounter with a heroin addict, one encounter with upper class hotels, two amazing meals, a total of 12 hours trying to find our way and getting lost.

So back to where do I begin with reflection, please excuse my ADD as a western doctor would say, as I write of this journey.

Let's go over the basics:
15 million people
A tonal language
2 farangs (white people)
Buses, trains, taxis, tuk tuks, saweangs, and mopeds

It looks like a disaster, total chaos. Except it is not, it's incredibly well organized. This culture doesn't seem to take much personally. With a predominant Buddhist influence everyone keeps it together. As the saying goes Mai bpen rai. "So it is".

In the west we drive like its all ours, as if no one else is on the road or has anywhere to be, sometimes dwelling in the fact that some "jerk" cut us off.

I equate this to an ego battle. To us thinking that our destination is more important than those we share the world with.
We tend to not contain ourselves and our emotions as well as Thai people. We appear a bit more eager to throw our personal shit out there in the world.

Now with all that said..... What is the consequence of a behavior that hides what's going on inside?
Corruption at some of the deepest levels.

All in all we have met incredible and helpful people. I am stoked to be here. And we have already made connections with people that share our intentions or similar ones.

I leave you with food for thought, I hope. Next time you are on the road and a car gets in front of you or a light goes red, and you feel frustrated simply Mai bpen rai. It's no big deal. No one is out to get you except yourself :)
A train ride to Hua Hin.... The perfect time to write!

Sa wut de ka!

Not all who wander are lost

I do not travel or refer to my life as a journey of wanderlust because I am search of something. I am not necessarily on a path of self discovery, but more a path of exploration.
We are most certainly not lost creatures; and if we sit with ourselves for long enough we learn this. We learn everyday that it is simply honoring that which resonates with us personally above and beyond what others tell us. As long as we are respectful to those that surround us in our intimate community and across the world, and we are clear on our own perspective of right and wrong and why it is so, then we are acting in truth.

This truth may be manifested in a form of religion or a sort of spirituality or even books and conversation & if that is the case we act respectfully to everyone around us. Steering clear from informing others on how to think and act and rather supporting others from a simple place of love.

In my move to Thailand I have been actively working to not take too much of my American life with me across the world. I want submersion into a different country. In different cultures. My idea is that I operate out of non attachment and instead of acting like I know best, staying open to what's learned in experience.

I've heard much about Buddhism being a daily practice in Thailand, a religion that is all about acceptance of people right where they are rather than where we think they should be.

No one is right or wrong in this world. And we will never know best for anyone else.  Truth may shine through best when we act our beliefs rather than spilling them carelessly over other people.  As I recently read on a local churches sign.... Well done is better than well said.

We are found, always have been and always will be. In this space of being ground within ourselves we do not need to use the words to express ourselves, because our actions will be firm.

Not all who wander are lost and not all who claim to be found truly feel like they are. We go on day by day and we give everyone a chance to be who they are. And maybe peace is born.

You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is The Hour.

        Here are the things that must be considered:

                Where are you living?
                What are you doing?
                What are your relationships?
                Are you in right relation?
                Where is your water?
                Know our garden.
                It is time to speak your Truth.
                Create your community.
                Be good to each other.
                And do not look outside yourself for the leader.

This could be a good time!

There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel like they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.

Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off toward the middle of
the river,
keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.

See who is there with you and celebrate.

At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally,   least of all
ourselves!
For the moment we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.

The time of the lonely wolf is over.
Gather yourselves!

Banish the word struggle from your attitude and vocabulary.

All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.


Down stream.  Let go.  Keep your head above water.  Be attentive to who is around you.  

The message is a about flow.  To release our human desire to control the outcome and recognize that everything is fractal.  Patterns will be repeated, things will happen whether we want them too or not.  We in fact are not in control.  Except when it comes to our reactions.  

Everyday I am learning and re-learning that the importance is in letting go.  I am creating tension.  I am building up situations to be something that they are not.  And I am stressed.  Stressed that once I leave I will never see my dog Aspen again, that I may never see my mother and father again, that I will miss my friends and that they will not come to visit, that my car will not sell, and that once in Thailand everything will change........

And it is that change that we are afraid of because it is, in fact, the grey area that we fear.  
In a discussion with a girlfriend today about practicing rolling kayaks and how much fear there was behind the first roll.  The fear of the unknown and the feelings that will come with the unknown.  

So, in this grey space, however long we are there, we find a way to cope.  These days I am enjoying all the beer I can, smoking those amazing rolled cigarettes and swimming in water every chance I get.  I am afraid of this journey.  

Or is that fear really excitement?  Because aren't they the same feeling?  Just with different thoughts attached to them into them?

Simplicity

When you travel everything is amiable.  

An ever moving force that changes every second.  We forget the things back home; not intentionally, but because we are exploring ourselves and our new surroundings.  We have a mission to familiarize with our environment.


It is almost as if nothing matters.  And it is probably best that we forget some things.  After all if we are thinking about what we should be paying attention too in another part of the world then we are not fully present, are we?  Our minds our wandering to things that do not matter because what matters is what is sitting in front of us at that very second. 


Where ever we are in the world we should be content with whats around us.  Being secure enough in our lives that we know we are loved, supported and have everything that we need. 


In 29 years this is one of my most important lessons......  Be secure in who you are, take nothing personal (Thank you Don Miguel Ruiz), and love everyone openly with out the expectation of how they need to love you!

Stretch and Destroy

An idea that has been thrown around over the past couple of months....  do a yoga class and then smash some shit, (cars, tvs, microwaves), you get the idea.  It feels good to smash those things that we do not necessarily need or want in our lives.  And even beyond that it is fun to hear glass shatter!

In terms of wandering... we stretch beyond ourselves, and our comfort zone, and we destroy the things that keep us bound to our beliefs.  We leave our sheltered united states and watch people burn garbage and eat chickens that are running around in the street.  We see religion and culture.  We see women be smothered down to nothing, used, sexed, and abused.  We see children pulled into war at very young ages.  The list goes on and on.  And all of these things challenge us to see a different way of living.  In essence we are forced to question our reality and determine what resonates with the way we want to live our lives.  We define our morals and ethics off of challenges such as these.

In Darwin's theory of evolution there is discussion about the sociological aspects.Essentially questioning purpose to life.  Is there a purpose or is it just all one big accident?  Now, stretch beyond what we know about soul searches and purposeful living.... and instead imagine that this "purpose" idea is all the chitter chatter of the ego in its declaration.  Imagine it screaming "THIS IS WHY I AM HERE.... TO DO MY PURPOSE!'

I have gotten ecclectic reactions to this idea of stretch and destroy yoga.... "How is destroying and smashing things zen"?  Well, how often do you do it?  Do you ever take and ax to a car (one that is meant to be totaled, not one out of revenge or hate)?  Or do you have a bad day or in this case a frustrating practice and go home and pick fights with the ones you love?  This question has always been met with silence....


We do all these things that are "the right thing to do".  Because having a 40 hour a week job where someone tells you what to do is comfortable, it leaves little room for surprise.  We have these control mechanisms that keep us tucked inside our zone.  The place that we operate the best.  It is not proper in our culture to bash in windows and blow things up, but when does proper always matter?

Was it proper for Clinton to get a b;low job under his desk?  Or for Monsanto to take over Agriculture in the shittiest way possible?  No!  So lets destroy what we know about proper and re-define!

The concept of stretching beyond what one thinks is capable, to destroy the routine of our lives...  moving back to this yoga thing.  I want people to get peaceful with there breath, to find some silence in their lives to listen to who THEY are, and then smash the hell out of some junk that controls there lives because it is "unnatural".  Because then you see another way to handle frustration.  And you absolutely cannot have the dark with out the light!  It is impossible.  One has to exist for he other too.

So here it is... stretch beyond yourself, get uncomfortable and see how you respond.  Embrace love and embrace rage!  They are the same thing.... passion.... with different thoughts attached to them.  You can do this.  You can grow!

This world that we are living in has to change because other wise we are all F'ed!  And change only comes when be/come uncomfortable!

Roughin it

I think about the times that I have traveled more comfortably.  Taxis, vacation rentals, buffets, chain bars and restaurants, shopping malls, and so on....

Once a planned vacation suited me.  A trip to Cancun, jet skiing, sitting in the pool at the resort and swimming with dolphins, snorkeling with a guide, and paying obscene amount of money to zip line over the ocean.  It was amazing and beautiful.  But it was America in another country, there was nothing different.  Everyone still spoke English and served the food I was used to.  I ate at Senor Frogs and went to the coolest clubs.  I was comfortable.

My desires have changed.  I crave to be uncomfortable.  To be in a place that I sleep in a tent in a small town, if even in a town.  I want to be forced to learn the language and to get involved with these other countries.  To really see how they live.  To eat at places that look sketchy, to go to where the locals are and to get in a car or on a bike and get into the depth of where I am.  No taxis, no chains, no comforts..... okay maybe a bed that consists of a sleeping pad and some warmth, but even that is negotiable.

What do we do in the world when we travel to places that are exactly like where we came from?  Does it bridge gaps between worlds or further the gap?

There is no right or wrong answer here, it is just a thought to question why we travel and what we want?  To expose ourselves to the world in all of its different lights, climates, foods, languages, rituals, spirits!

I can hardly wait to experience that feeling again.  Even more so than I did last year on a trip to Mexico with my dude.  Though we drove 26 hours into Mexico and slept on the beach for 3 weeks and ate at places that most would cringe at I still had his help with Spanish.  Though I was left on my own every now and again to communicate with someone who just stares as blankly at me as I do them when talking, it helped to have him there.

What it did teach me is that when someone doesn't understand English it doesn't mean that you speak louder and slower to them...  It won't help :)

Movement vs Presence

If I am not moving, I am uncomfortable. 

And everything is everything!

So, what this really comes down to is that I am preparing for my next movement or I am moving.  However big or small that may be.  A day trip to the mountains or a move across the world.  

Currently I am still, I am planning, and waiting.  My sister said to me that good things come to those who hustle while they wait.  I am still trying to figure out what the hell that actually means so if you can shed any light on that please do!

In this phase of the movement I have receded from much social contact.  I am determining the placement of my energy carefully.  Noting the pains and joys that will occur on the way and taking them into consideration as I extend myself out there into the world.  Selfish in some ways.  but, how do you connect fully if you know you will be leaving soon.  Or maybe you connect fully because you know you will be leaving soon.  I am still exploring all of this.  

It started with a romantic idea to move across the world.  And the disconnection (we will call it that for now, until I have a better word) began with the physical stuff.  Sell a mountain bike, a flute, snowboarding gear, furniture, clothes, jewelry, etc.  AND no buying new stuff.  Great checklist checked.  

Then came the thought of leaving my family and friends.... suddenly it became far more powerful of a decision.  I am about to exit this life I know and step into new territory and begin that with one person...  

Who the fuck am I going to drink wine and smoke cigarettes with when I am sitting on my front porch feeling fiesty??????

I love the my friends, and I love my family.  And to think about the inside jokes and the smart ass remarks, and the tears, and the disagreements not being a part of my daily community is unreal..... biut soon to be real and soon to evolve with a new set of friends.

What I love about wanderlust is that you can constantly re-create yourself with each new person you meet.  But what I love about community is the people that know you so well that they do not even have to hear from you to know what is going on in your life.  Bittersweet. 

So, how do I stay present with those I love, and I mean fully present up until the day I leave?  I have no idea.

What I do know is that we could do this everyday in our lives, we could connect as deeply as possible and absorb ourselves in the world that we live in because as cliche as it may sound.... anyone can disappear at any time. 

Split between two worlds... to move when it is time and to settle where I am.  

The hustle while I wait....